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Getting Personal
This is my life.
September 18, 2006 |
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[Editor's Note: I try not to get too personal around here. This is an exception to that rule. This is my website and my life. This is where I think out loud and I believe it's important everyone know who I am. But more than that, I just want to share with you all. I try to give as much as I can here and this is just one of those times I need a little back.]
I broke up with my girlfriend of almost two years this weekend. It was mutual. We both reached a point where we realized that we would probably never reach that place. I think it was a good decision: The right decision.
It was far from easy, but as they say, the hardest things never are.
Needless to say, I'm feeling fairly emotional. I think I've been trying to avoid myself for the last 24 hours, but it's time to face up. I've got my favorite sad music going and it's just me, my mind and an empty page.
The hardest part is trying to parse the thoughts about the comforts of the relationship from the relationship itself. At some point the two became so intertwined it seems impossible to untangle them.
It's easy to miss the comforts of being together: The evening phone calls, the person to share exciting news with, the person to hold. What's hardest at this very moment is imagine a world without all those things.
But of course I will survive, and so will she. We will cease to be linked in a way we once were, though hopefully the relationship can continue to grow in different ways. The thing is, I have no idea what those different ways will be and that's scary.
It's hard to look the future in the face without someone to hold your hand.
That especially difficult since I pride myself in my ability to look into future. Much of my life revolves around my ability to untangle complex puzzles and extract the deeper meaning that lays beneath. I'm hardly ever my own test subject, however. I don't get paralyzed by indecision or fear and I probably have more self-confidence than I should. I converse on a level with people much older and more experienced than myself on a regular basis.
All of this means that I often forget how young I am.
This is relatively new to me. Obviously I realize that the emotions will dissipate over time no matter how much that may not seem true at this very moment. But it's still hard to face myself: To be honest and realize I have no idea how to deal with this.
When I was a kid I turned to my mother and told her my take on the meaning of life. It didn't seem like an overly complicated explanation at the time, but it struck a chord with her. I just said, "it's what you make of it."
I don't believe in fate or free will, but rather a hybrid of the two. Something to the effect of we are all nodes in a giant sea of possible connections. With each decision a whole new set of paths opens up. Each path has an infinite number of endpoints depending on which sub-paths you choose. More and more I believe no path is right or wrong: It just is.
As with every other decision, my path has shifted.
When the shift seems so large, though, its hard to remember its a small decision in a giant sea. One of my greatest aggravations is when people lose track of the larger picture when small hiccups arise. Sometimes I have trouble being empathetic in those moments. In my work life, I am far better at flying high above the trees and seeing the forest.
I don't want to disconnect myself here, though. I want to feel it. I want to understand it. I want to learn as much as I can from it.
I want to grow from it.
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