Funny Archives
A look into the synonyms for knowledge uncovers an unlikely match.
I was doing some copywriting work today and I headed over to
Thesaurus.com to look up synonyms for the word knowledge. This is the list that it returned:
ability, accomplishments, acquaintance, apprehension, attainments, awareness, cognition, comprehension, consciousness, dirt, discernment, doctrine, dogma, dope, education, enlightenment, erudition, expertise, facts, familiarity, goods, grasp, inside story, insight, instruction, intelligence, judgment, know-how, learning, light, lore, observation, philosophy, picture, poop, principles, proficiency, recognition, scholarship, schooling, science, scoop, substance, theory, tuition, wisdom
When I read the list one word really jumped out at me.
I never knew "poop" was a synonym for knowledge.
Did you?
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Last year's hilarious viral PowerPoint is finally dug up.
This thing is way to funny not to write about. Some of you may remember about a year ago a PowerPoint presentation of a guy breaking up with his girlfriend was posted and then disappeared, replaced with a very nasty image. Well, after searching all over and coming up with nothing I finally asked on
Ask MetaFilter if
anyone knew where I could find it. Lucky for me, there's some crafty people on MeFi who managed to dig up the original PowerPoint. I have since gone ahead and converted it to HTML and posted it (on some free space, just in case it really does get passed around).
So, without any further ado, I reintroduce:
PowerPoint Breakup
Hope everyone enjoys it.
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Another front page AM New York article on cock fights . . . strange.
A while ago I pointed to
this AM New York article about an Oklahoma senator wanting to give rooster's boxing gloves for cockfights. Well, I happened to have picked up an AM New York article last night and ran across this front page article:
Bad chickens that are veterans of the cockfighting ring can now be rehabilitated, reports the Wall Street Journal. More than 200 birds are currently living at the Eastern Shore Chicken Sanctuary in Maryland, where they receive psychological treatment to make them less violent. Most cockfighting survivors are too violent, and have to be killed. But thanks to the Sanctuary, they can have peaceful lives.
What a nice story. I'm glad AM New York has such a think for cockfights. Gotta wonder what
Tom Cruise would have to say about rooster psychologists.
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[Editor's Note: I got this email this morning from my friend Lisa, after reading it and laughing quite a bit, I asked her if she'd mind if I posted it to the site. She said "no, I wouldn't mind." So here it is.]
I'm not really sure why I feel the need to share this in an e-mail but
I'm going to so just bear with me (or ignore it, I will probably never
know the difference).
I HATE vanity plates. I always have. They bother me in a way that I
cannot adequately describe in words (though I am going to try). Do
people think it makes them special to have dopey, usually
misspelled/truncated words that only sometimes make sense to the
general population? Are they too good for the randomly arranged
combination of letters and numbers that the rest of us make due with?
Today I was particularly perturbed (even irked) by two that I saw on
my way to work. The first one said 'punk'. Now, I give this person
credit for having a correctly spelled word. However, this license
plate appeared on a brand new Saab. That I saw in the parking lot of a
Starbucks. In Darien. I can only hope that this person was taking a
stab at being ironic. (Although a license plate is certainly not the
place for irony. But I digress...) Either way I feel that 'tool' or
'douchebag' would probably have been more appropriate.
The other license plate didn't offend me as much, I just thought it
was dum. (See how I left the 'b' off of the end of the word. Because I
know how to spell it, but it's so dumb that it's dum. Get it? Look at
how clever I am. Ok back to my point.) This one said 'burger'. Once
again, spelled correctly (bonus points there). I just couldn't figure
out why someone would want that as a license plate. Does he/she like
to eat burgers? Does he/she want to be a burger? Does he/she work at
McDonald's? Was this person called a cow in high school? Does this
'burger' have some deep, inner meaning that mere mortals (such as
myself) are unaware of? Is it some sort of riddle? (Although let's be
honest, license plates are NOT the place for deep thinking of any
sort). Perhaps he/she wants to piss off the people that are stuck
behind him/her. In which case, mission fucking accomplished.
So there. I feel much better now. Happy Friday.
~L
P.S. A note on Starbucks: I am an addict. What the hell do they put in
their coffee? Crack? I literally cannot stop drinking it.
Lisa really likes encyclopedias and Jane Austen novels.
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I was reading
AM New York today and ran across this article on the front page:
Oklahoma state Sen. Frank Shurden, a longtime defender of cock-fighting, is suggesting that roosters be given little boxing gloves so they can fight without bloodshed. Shurden wants to save Oklahoma's gamefowl industry now that cock-fighters are legally prohibited from pitting birds fitted with razor-like spurs. "Who's going to object to chickens fighting like humans do? Everybody wins," Shurden said.
Wow. Not quite sure what else to say.
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This was a little too good not to post. Check out
this video mashup of Pulp Fiction and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer made by some people I know, it's great.
Even got a mention on Boing Boing.
Happy Holidays!
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[Editor's Note: I wrote this a while ago and submitted it to McSweeney's Internet Tendency's "Open Letters to People or Entities Who are Unlikely to Respond." Unfortunately, the McSweeney's people didn't think it was funny enough to post. They're probably right, but luckily the editorial process at NoahBrier.com is far less stringent. So, here's my letter, if it's not funny then tell me (and if it is funny, that's nice to hear to).]
Dear Pickles,
What have you become? You used to be so bright and crunchy; but
somewhere in the pickling process you changed, I barely recognize you.
As a cucumber you used to hang out with the healthy crowd. You sat
proudly atop salads, hanging out with your friends tomato and lettuce,
and blended so perfectly with yogurt in tzatziki.
Now you run seem to run with a different crowd. Whenever I've seen you
lately, you're relishing your role as divider on the plate with a
greasy burger, helping to keep the juices from reaching the crisp
french fries. Sometimes you even bathe yourself in the mayo-drenched
cole slaw. Is this any way for a self respecting vegetable to act?
While I must admit I appreciate the willingness to share that you seem
to bring out in people, don't you ever worry that you're polarizing the
country? I've been hard-pressed to find another subject upon which so
many people disagree. With you, there's no grey area, it's either love
or hate. Does this make you happy? Why are you doing this to yourself
and to others?
In the old days, you held a prominent place in the vegetable aisle,
huddled with your other green buddies. Now what have you become? You
swim around in a barrel of brine all day, just waiting for someone's
dirty hand to fish you out. I refuse to believe that this is a happy
life for you.
While I know it's too late to save you from a life of pickledom, I can
only hope that you'll wise up and help keep all those young cucumbers
off the brine.
Thinking of you,
Noah Brier
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By Jeff Hughes
What about pole-vaulting...unless you're storming a castle there's no reason to know how to do this....
Which brings me to another point...what if we took a lot of these activities.... the decathlon of sorts.... and made a storyline out of it...
You’re locked in the dungeon and the only way out is to slide through a very small hole at the top of the bars.... that are conveniently uneven
Then you have to pull yourself above ground with the rings...
Man-eating dogs chase you 400 m to the wall.... which you pole vault over...
Directly into a moat...also 400 m...which you must medley through....
Once out of the water, there's about a hundred feet of track and then 20-foot pit of spikes that you must long jump over
There’s then a watchtower where there's a guy with a rifle and you have to take the shot put and knock him down
Climb to the top of the tower and take the rifle and fire 200 m, killing bunnies and things
From the top of the watchtower, there's a diving board and you have to dive into a large pool of water beneath
Where there's the world's greatest water polo player and you have to take to score a goal...
Get out of the pool
Relax
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This was too funny not to post. Apparently Tom Cruise's swagger can have some incredible effects on the world, according to Jamie Foxx, Cruise's co-star in Collateral. This comes from a People Magazine interview with Foxx [via The Corsair via Defamer]:
Foxx: It's like this: We're all thinking Tom's not coming. He comes in with all the Tom Cruise swagger. He's the messiah. I've never seen black people so shocked. My sister calls her friends. 'Oh my God, he's here! Oh my God, he looks so good! Girl, you should see him!' I say to him, 'Did you know you could start slavery right now?' The bodyguards were having to keep people away. The whole hip hop community got on their two-ways and said Tom Cruise is a thumbs up, because he came down here to kick it with us and he's cool.
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Sorry for the lack of posts lately, deadlines loom large. Anyway, I ran across Ali G's commencement address to Harvard today and it was too funny not to post some excerpts from. Go read the whole thing.
But more importantly it's wikid dat in Harvard young women and men gets to learn so many amazing subjects.
Some of u here will have been studying medicine...dat knowledge come wiv a lot of responsibilities. Remember, doctors is some of de most powerfulest people in de world - u can give life, u can cure disease and u can ask to see a woman's [whistle] wivout getting slapped.
For those of u studying history, u probably learnt a lot about de Presidents. Like who was Jefferson, and what did Lincoln give America - apart from de town car.
Some of u iz de best legal students in de country. U would know wivout even thinking, how to get someone off a charge of possession. And if any of u do, then can me remind u - Room 204 at the Best Western. Just do me a favour put your ear to de door, and don't come in if u hears me shouting 'Natalie, play wiv me light saber'.
Let's talk about de finances of all dat k-nowledge dat's been dropped on u. It costs $38000 a year to go to Harvard. Now I don't know how u lot has earnt dat - [TO PORN STAR] apart from u - and u iz earnt every penny, but most of u iz got dat cash from your parents.
All you fathers out dere u iz made choices - wiv dat money u could have bought top of de range Lexus but instead u chose to invest in ya kids future. IZ U MENTAL? If u iz got other kids me hopes u don't make de same mistake again innit. Does u realise how many honeys u can get wiv a Lex. 'allo sweetness my son's got a Harvard degree' [FEMALE VOICE] 'wot, who cares'
Or [CAR NOISE, WINDOW DOWN, ELBOW OUT] allo darlin, wanna check out de dvd player in de back aiii.' [her] 'wot's dat?' [me] 'it's ostrich leather' [MIME BLOWJOB]. So students give it up for your parents.
Let's talk bout de future - your future. A lot of you iz probably worried bout employment. Unfortunately most of u WILL end up gettin jobs - especially now u iz got de burden of a degree.
While you're reading commencement addresses, make sure to check out Jon Stewart's address to William and Mary.
Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.
Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.
I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.
But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do thisâ€â€and I believe you canâ€â€you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.
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Hi, I'm 