“Q: If an animal attacks a PETA supporter, do the rest of the PETA people have to stand there and watch it happen so as not to hurt the animal? Or, would the attackee even want to be saved because if he was saved, he would be interrupting the animal’s meal?
— Ronnie, Edmonton, Canada
JK: This is a great question — particularly considering the fact that PETA supporters are frequently naked. One can only imagine the joy that would be derived from seeing a wild boar simultaneously drive both his tusks into Pamela Anderson’s breast implants — like a saline shish kabob — while Paul McCartney looked on helplessly, wondering if his new bride’s remaining leg would be the crazed boar’s next meal. Ronnie — if you are younger than 25, I’d like to adopt you.
BS: I’m afraid to say anything right now. Those PETA people are like Scientologists — you don’t even want to look cross-eyed at them. They’re terrifying.”