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August, 2004

If I Ruled the Olympics

By Jeff Hughes

What about pole-vaulting...unless you're storming a castle there's no reason to know how to do this....

Which brings me to another point...what if we took a lot of these activities.... the decathlon of sorts.... and made a storyline out of it...

You’re locked in the dungeon and the only way out is to slide through a very small hole at the top of the bars.... that are conveniently uneven

Then you have to pull yourself above ground with the rings...

Man-eating dogs chase you 400 m to the wall.... which you pole vault over...

Directly into a moat...also 400 m...which you must medley through....

Once out of the water, there's about a hundred feet of track and then 20-foot pit of spikes that you must long jump over

There’s then a watchtower where there's a guy with a rifle and you have to take the shot put and knock him down

Climb to the top of the tower and take the rifle and fire 200 m, killing bunnies and things

From the top of the watchtower, there's a diving board and you have to dive into a large pool of water beneath

Where there's the world's greatest water polo player and you have to take to score a goal...

Get out of the pool


August 26, 2004
Noah Brier | Thanks for reading. | Don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk.